Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Still Mourning...


The last entry was about my sister - the loss of her.

That was many months ago, but I am still mourning, and suspect I shall be for the rest of my days. Our lives have been literally shattered.

Some days are OK, most are horrible, and there is always that feeling she's going to just walk right through the door and say: "I was just pranking you all!"

I wish... I wouldn't even be mad at her, I'd just hug her.

So, I'm trying to move on... I carry her heart with me, I carry it in my heart.
It's not enough...

Universities, tummy tuck, workouts, new hairstyle, new home, new dog, new friends, new loves, new life - a new life that both rocks and sucks.
Why? Why can't we ever have it all?

I know she is much happier, whether she's in heaven, or just sleeping soundly in God's hands. I often pray that if she's sleeping, God may send her dreams of us.
Good, sweet dreams, full of love and affection.

These warm tears running down my face... Her smile and her touch all over this house... The pain of not being able to hear or touch her... The sad mystery of her last days, her last hours... The melancholy, the pain... I want to keep on feeling them, experiencing them all. I don't ever want to forget.

My soul is still in mourning... And it shall be for the rest of my days, until I can meet her again.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

2010


According to Wikipedia "2010 (MMX) is a common year that started on a Friday and is the current year. In the Gregorian calendar, it is the 2010th year of the Common Era or of Anno Domini; the 10th year of the 3rd millennium and of the 21st century; and the 1st of the 2010s decade. The United Nations has designated 2010 the International Year of Biodiversity and International Year of Youth."


I started writing this well over a month and a half ago and, to be very honest, I can't even remember what I was going on about in my head. Maybe something like the youth of a new and promising decade, maybe something really hopeful.


It is so funny how 15 minutes changes so many lives forever... How such a short fraction of time can change a whole crowd's inner beings and lifestyles... How sometimes a new dawn brings such a devastating avalanche of events.


Friday, February 5th, 2010 will be a date I will never forget. Unforgettable while disgracefully sad... Part of me, a HUGE part of me, ceased to exist in this world that day. And I can only talk about my pain as a fellow, limited mortal.

I was only 1 when she was born. She came into this world as a special body, for she was born with The Blue Baby Syndrome. Right from the start she beat the odds: everyone who knew what they were talking about claimed she wouldn't last much.


Her chest was opened and invaded at merely 45 days, a trial to repair what was supposedly defective. A "broken heart." "She'll die," they said, "Her journey here is a short one." She refused to.


Once again, at 3, her chest was opened. Once more, profetic predictions poured in: "She's not going to make it..." How wrong were the Mr. Know-it-alls... She made it.


A nearly perfect student, a lively and happy girl, a revolutionary and controversial teenager, a complete woman and lover...


Passionate about any and everything she put her heart into, she touched many lives.


Change for the better arrived everywhere she set foot in, and the truth was nearly always told by her luscious lips.


She survived two open-heart surgeries, innumerous illnesses during childhood, major love deceptions, two university degrees, a master's degree, heartbreaks, sorrows, losses and longings...


Our Sociologist, our nurse, our master, teacher... the union of two breeds and the center of our family. She was US.


And how can I compare this starting decade to those 15 minutes she spent in her bathroom, dying? Her broken heart gave in... How can I imagine even a second without her bodily presence in my life? How can I breathe clearly again? Where is my reason, the guiding voice in my head? How can I go through life without my Sissy, my friend, holding my hand? Why aren't I going to see her brood???


So, for me, 2010 is a hallmark. Not a celebration of youth, but the presence of death. Of pain. I will never, ever, be the same again.